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Finding Independence In Love

Updated: May 10, 2020

"My love for you is a journey. Starting at forever and ending at never..."

We all start the journey to love with different mindsets, histories, cultures, expectations, experiences ...

But one thing we all share is our hope for a positive experience and a transformation. We want to feel joy and we want to be fulfilled in the experience of love; yet somehow love becomes a maze of difficulty. Problem solving takes over loving as the main activity.

Even as a love enthusiast and committed romantic, my "Achilles heel" in relationships is the subject of independence. I would like to keep a sense of self. I want to be able to maintain my guidance, my spirit, my independence, my freedom... I want to have my power. I want to be authentic and make decisions that feel good to me. This is where I always get myself into trouble. The desire for this type of independence can come across as selfish and mean.

Because the idea of independence in a relationship is one that I am fascinated by, I thought to write about it and get your viewpoints. My question: Is there a space where you can have a higher degree of independence in your relationship? Research tells me that if you can foster unconditional love in a relationship then you have the capacity to have a relationship where you can still maintain a higher degree of independence. With new ideas I always start with myself as the recipient of my ideas.

I asked myself : Would I be happy if the person I loved made decisions with his life that I was not keen on? Would I support his decisions wholeheartedly even though I was wondering why he was choosing a certain path?

Until I started writing this, I potentially would be a mix of grudging and accepting. I would be saying alright that is what he wants but at the same time sharing my millions of viewpoints on the subject! With truly searching my soul, I now know that I would like to respond to the decisions made by the one I love better. I do not want to deal with it i.e. problem solve. I would like to admire his courage for trekking a path unknown. If in doubt, I would like to say that I am in doubt but never hold a grudge as he continues on his path. Ultimately, I would like him to thrive and flourish. I would hope to say, "I'm your cheerleader. I trust you. I believe in you. "

As I wrote this, I asked myself why I would go with this approach. The answer was simple! I would wish to see him flourish, experience wonder and expand. I do not wish to see him shrink and miss his destiny or his highest potential. I would like him to be happy. He knows the direction to his happy place. It was at this point that I could finally explain why I have always wanted a higher sense of freedom. I want to be able to expand and grow forever and never stop. I want to experience new things, explore, have fun and take on new adventures. No one could define and design this path better than I could. It is my responsibility to deliver my success and my happiness. Handing over this responsibility to someone else is not the way I would like to live.

So, my idea of love is one with someone who takes responsibility for their own happiness whilst I do the same for mine. I would hope that we would rejoice in our separate developments but also in growing together. I would hope that we would bring the variety of endless possibilities that we discover in our separate experiences into the relationship. I would hope that we will give each other the opportunity to succeed, fail, learn and grow. I would hope that we would support each other through the best and the worst of times. I would hope that we would find delight in these experiences, knowing that the rewards for our union will be a journey that was interesting, fulfilling and endless ...

Hindsight: Remember in the first note I had mentioned that maybe I should have written an "us" in my four wishes. I am still unsure if I should have! I still feel that growing myself would have brought a better me to the relationship. I'll keep exploring this and hopefully resolve this story line with time ...."

Share your ideas for love and grow the idea of love further.

In Love- Always


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