"Singing evokes the temple of the soul..."
I have always loved music. My first obsession was Careless Whispers by George Michael. I call it the ultimate love song. When I was younger, I had no idea what most of the song was about but the feeling it evoked stayed with me forever. My passion became the search for that ultimate love song. A love song that will give me the same feeling and also give others that feeling. I wanted to be the writer of that song ...
I moved to London when I was about 19 and the first thing I looked for after a TV set, a job, a bed-sit plus some food was a music producer. I recorded so much over the 14 years that followed. In different iterations, I created, recorded and released songs but somehow I had not found the song.
As an INFJ, I embody some of the classic challenging traits. More specifically perfectionism, anxiety, seeking approval and people pleasing. It can make me shy, withdrawn and doubtful but thanks to my mother, I learnt to go boldly where everyone is going. Act Confident and Activate Confidence. I can play the part of a confident human. I eventually created two albums that I was somewhat happy with in 2008 and 2014. They are Coming Home and Naked. ( PS- In each album I have two songs that my soul cannot listen to but I listened to others and left them in). Due to different life situations however I abandoned both projects at the last minute. We will talk about self abandonment another time :-) My reasons at the time were responsibility, resources and health issues. The greatest reason was that I wanted the work to be better. I felt that there were parts that were not good enough ...
It was early 2019 and I had not been to the studio for about three years.
( P.S. - I had been getting my vocal lessons and tweaking some songs during that time so I wasn't a complete deserter. ) I started thinking about releasing new music, getting old songs remastered, speaking to PR, getting old songs on Spotify playlists etc but I had not yet set specific dates. I was slowly feeling my way through the process and putting the launches in place. In 2019, I met someone who I gave my number to and I think on the second call he said that he felt that my voice could be a singer's voice. I was surprised but at the same time intrigued - was my destiny calling through his spirit? Did he know something that I did not?
I shared some of my work with him later on in the relationship and he said it was amazing. He however felt that something was missing ... Despite this thought, he had this strong belief in what I could do. He used to say that he was my biggest fan and he consistently encouraged me to share my songs. Sometimes I would complain about the constant reminders but he persisted. He even took the time out of his schedule to travel with me to get to the studio in Wales. ( PS- I live in London). He never wavered. Even though he felt something was missing, he still thought it was worth sharing!
His confidence in the months we were together helped keep me accountable to the cause. I silently kept the wheels of motion on the music project going. I was hoping to surprise him but our relationship ended before I could share it with him.
The end of the relationship was a new start for me. It started with a lot of internal work. I discovered that I had somehow gained a valuable gift from him. The framework that I could use to "vanquish" the self-doubt, the anxiety, the perfectionism and partial commitment that had plagued my search for the ultimate love song. It was a framework of passionate reassurance and belief. I realised that my desire to be better was crushing my belief in my own work. I had stopped being my greatest fan and instead turned into my greatest critic ! I was holding my work hostage in the archives of could be better. In the dungeons of not good enough. I needed to find a balance! I am now releasing older material as a starting point in my journey to setting myself free from the chains of perfectionism. I am hoping that as time goes by, I will balance my inner critic with lots of reassurance and belief.
There is one question that will always be unanswered. Could I have already written the ultimate love song if I had been my biggest fan all along? Could I have achieved my dream if there had been no hesitation nor abandonment caused by perfectionism, self doubt and anxiety? Or surprisingly, have I already written the ultimate love song?
"Become your Biggest Fan!"
You can catch some of my writing and vocal "prowess" at :
( One day I won't have prowess in brackets.)
My latest love song is SLOW DOWN. The lyric video is below: