...to fall or slip back into a certain state or place!
For the first time ever I was angry!
I had spent so much time worrying about how he felt and trying to cope with how I thought he felt that I had not spent the time really considering how I had felt. I hope the sentence did not feel like a conundrum. I had sent apologies and explanations but as you all know by now; all I got was dead silence. It is now months later! It felt like he simply did not care how I felt. The story I am telling myself is that if he did, he would have said something ...anything! Even writing, " Thank you for your apology but I'm not ready to talk about this.." is kinna polite enough.
Well now I need to start another research programme to try and understand why I was focused more on how he felt rather than how I felt! Several eye rolls are happening at the moment but I will continue ...Who was consoling me? Who was trying to understand how I felt? Who was going to do what they could to make me feel better? Who would wipe away my tears? Who would show me kindness and mercy? Who would listen to me? I was so upset that I started writing a message to him about it, then my little voice said to me, " I do not think he cares". IT WAS LIKE A WAKE UP CALL ...
I am proud of the progress I have made on this journey of self-discovery but there are free radicals still living in my subconscious and conscious mind. These radicals had triggered my latest relapse into the world of bewilderment. This was not the first time that the sunshine was being shaded by melancholy. Looking at approaches taken to help with grief, healing is messy. Grief can hit you over and over again. You can fall even when you feel that you have made an improvement. You can RELAPSE! Rather than beat myself for falling, I followed the advice. I chose to feel the anger and listen to the message. So, here I am at 23:42 hours, channelling the anger out of my system ... This does feel better than writing to someone who does not seem to care enough to consider how I feel. At least I care how I feel.
P.S: My growth moment will be when I stop saying at least I care how I feel and change it to I love that I care how I feel. ( Celebration time - I am saying: I LOVE THAT I CARE HOW I FEEL! ) .
The answer to the questions I presented earlier is Me; Just Me. It would be me who understood how I felt. It would be me who would wipe away my tears. It would also be me to listen to myself. And most important, it would be me who would show up and soothe my spirit. Is it fair to say that it is not his responsibility to care about how I feel but mine? Is this my lesson for this post? Is my lesson to take care of myself more?
In the meantime, if you are going through issues with the one you love, take your time to work it through. SLOW DOWN ! Being together is always better than being apart. A mutual break up is always better than a messy break-up. Being apart in peace is always better than being apart in discord.
There is no other song that I would find more fitting than one I wrote 5 years ago but only just released. As a dedication to this conclusion, my single SLOW DOWN .
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In love - Always