One tip to avoid getting into the abyss in your committed relationship.
It has been about five months since the abrupt end of the relationship that got me questioning everything I knew about love and relationships. It has been a journey of mixed emotions, but the result is a clarity and peace of mind that surpasses the drama of the end of the relationship. There is a confidence in what I want and what I need for a relationship to feel good. I thought to share one thought that I am excited to experience as I start dating again.
I believe that there should be a shared vision that is communicated and negotiated when you enter a committed relationship. Enjoying each other’s company is great but when you have no “shared vision” - it can be a lonely, frustrating and scary abyss. It can sometimes feel a little hopeless. I learnt this the hard way! I tended to feel like that there was something I was missing or not getting right. I had asked to have a conversation about our visions several times, but this was not an idea he was drawn to. We spent significant amounts of time out of sync within the relationship – an obvious recipe for tragedy! My conclusion is that it is important to know what you want to achieve in your committed relationship and how you will achieve it together.
A shared vision could be as simple as contemplating and agreeing on the following questions:
· Who are we and where are we headed as a couple? This question explores the identity of the relationship. It is about your identity as a pair. It is about your hopes and your dreams for where your relationship is heading.
· What do we want to change or improve in our relationship? Once you have started to dig deep into where you have been as a couple or where you are, you can pinpoint what that (potentially) says about your future. You can also set out and implement SPECIFIC solutions to possible problems and issues ahead of time. You can also define the timeline for the changes – Rome was not built in one day! You can also test a variety of solutions to issues and situations until you find the best solution. I don’t know if anyone has heard this before, but each problem just needs the best solution - so keep trying.
· What experiences do we want to have together in the next 12 months? Another component of planning that allows each individual to plan and clarify their role and contribution. It gives you both lots to look forward to. This allows for more shared dreams/moments/connections that you both work to make come true. This drives positive momentum and heightens the connection and intimacy within the relationship. Making happy memories together is always fun and a wonderful source of fulfilment.
· How do we deal with conflict? A couple that can navigate conflict in a healthy way is a blessing to the universe. You set safe parameters through which you can express, discuss and solve problems together.
· Is love bigger than our differences? This helps with determining the level of commitment to each other over time. It provides a safer space to explore each other deeply.
I believe that having a shared vision sets the foundation for the relationship. A stable foundation provides a level of ease to the relationship and allows more freedom for fun, playfulness, spontaneity, and expansion. Now that I am back to dating again, I will spill some tea if I get to the phase where creating a shared vision is needed. In the meantime, have fun exploring love … It is a beautiful thing.
In love- Always
Late 2022 Update: I met someone awesome a few months ago and the most amazing thing happened, we talked about our vision for our relationship on Day 1. They say when the one for you finds you, you know :-) Our vision is for a spiritual, loving, connected and joyful relationship and this vision is moving us through life together. Together with him is one of my favorite places. True love is most definitely a beautiful thing ...
It took more than two years but mmmmhhhh, it feels so good to be seen. To feel admired, respected, and appreciated is a beautiful experience. Most important to me has been knowing that my love and my life is a blessing and a delight to another.
More updates soon... hopefully not two years later !