I am Starting Over ...
Just wanted to say hello and give you an idea about where I start my story and where I hope to get to. Get some tea and cake ... Cake is needed for comfort :-)
I am writing this introduction from a place of semi-healing. The wounds that held my "brokeness" were opened when my relationship broke down unexpectedly. I let the wounds bleed and hurt. I had made the decision to let them heal at their own pace. At some points, the pain was so much that I thought I was spiralling. When I wrote the first note on my phone, I had a burning need to empty my soul and spirit somewhere. I just wanted to be empty! I wanted to stop feeling ...
I started writing and I could not stop. It was like an endless catharsis. It felt like a channel had been opened. I wrote for days and ended up with over 100 notes. Through this process, the reservoirs of pain began to empty and I felt lighter, happier and free...
As I write this today, tears are welling up in my eyes. There are days that I had wanted to be the tin man; with no heart and no feeling. I wanted to feel no pain. But if I felt no pain, then I would not feel love or happiness.
Caveat: For those in the know, we know that the tin man wanted a heart so for your reference, I will choose Spock :-)
“I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy. If you only knew it, you are in luck not to have a heart.”
―L. Frank Baum,The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
Back to the point though, I no longer want to be tin man or Spock. My life is based on the choices I made. Pain is a calling from my spirit for a healing. I will explore and share my blessings in these moments along with my lessons. I now know that I am both my weakness and my strength. I have learnt that the duality and complexity of life, love and people are the instruments of my growth and the vehicles to my greatest wishes.
My greatest wishes are:
1. I want to continue to figure out how to be a better human for myself and others...
2. I want to be able to consistently feel and practice love in every moment...
3. I want to be more creative and inspired ...
Conclusion : My biggest dream would be to continue to have the opportunities to be more of who I am and will be...
The irony of this all is that these are the four things I said to the one that I loved when he asked me what I wanted for the new year. He is now gone and living his best life and I am on my own achieving my greatest wishes ... ( Just got a revelation as I wrote this and re-read the wishes!! Maybe I should have included an us - sigh - that's a subject for another time.)
I have my greatest wishes and a healing heart that harbours some melancholy. I'm excited to find answers to the many questions that I still have and extremely curious about the new ideas and thoughts that I will explore. I hope you enjoy this journey and hopeful you will find pieces of me that make a positive difference to you.
In Love- Always
xxxx